Read + Watch + Listen + Move
I’ve been devouring a lot of content lately, and have been moved to share a few pieces that inspired me. They each hold questions, ideas, and examples of the belief systems around masculinity that we’re grappling with as a culture. Some live within the dynamics of where we are in relationship to one another, while others offer a new way of moving through the world. For me, these pieces have sparked many conversations – I hope you find they do the same for you.
I’ve tried not to give away any spoilers, at the risk of not going as deep as I’d like. If you’re moved to have a conversation about any of the work, please join me in my SPARKS chat. Also, I encourage you to share any recommendations for material to check out in the comments below or in my chat.
I hope you enjoy!
READ
I’ve noticed that many books about masculinity often approach the subject as if it were a science experiment. They allow the facts, data, and studies to shape the conversation. While these things might be helpful, it can all be quite boring to read. Whippman does something different in her book, Boy Mom. She explores many of the difficult issues boys face today – what defines masculinity, online culture, incels, sex and sexism – but does so through the lens of being a parent to three boys.
What I found so refreshing, and ultimately what made me devour her book, is that in sharing her experience as a mother, she’s not afraid to express her own beliefs, biases, and vulnerabilities. Throughout the book, she leads us into turbulent waters with her steady journalist’s hand, but does so with the open heart of a mother who cares about the state of boys. I felt my own beliefs challenged in many of the same ways Whippman was challenged and, to my surprise, saw my views evolve on issues I didn’t think were movable.
While the title is catchy, it is a bit deceiving. This isn’t a book just for mothers of boys; it’s for anyone who has children. Actually, if you’re involved on any level with the well-being of young people, you must read this book. This book widened my perspective, cracked open my heart, and helped me understand the experiences of many boys and men I see struggling. The most pressing and obvious observation I took from the book is that boys are in crisis, and most adults have no clue what to do about it. This book unearths the issues troubling boys, highlights those working to help, and offers ideas for how we can support them.
WATCH
The first film recommendation I have has a special place in my heart, as my wife, America Ferrera, stars in it. The Lost Bus is based on a true story of the 2018 Paradise, California fires. In the film, Matthew McConaughey portrays Kevin McKay, a bus driver, and America plays Mary Ludwig, an elementary schoolteacher. The story follows Kevin and Mary as they get caught in California’s deadliest wildfire with a school bus full of children.
The film is an electric ride from the moment it begins and doesn’t let you catch your breath until the credits roll. What makes it so powerful is the way the film’s director, Paul Greengrass, brings both the fire and characters to life with such profound realism. The fire is crafted masterfully, allowing us to be in the heart of the flames and feel the monstrosity of its force. At the same time, the actors’ performances are crafted with such depth and nuance I felt as if I was living their experience with them – feeling all the horror, uncertainty, and ultimately heroism as if it were my own. The end result is the most visceral full-bodied experience of the effects of climate change I’ve seen in cinema.
As much as this is a film about climate change, it’s just as much about masculinity. In the film McConaughey’s character struggles with his relationship with his son in the same way his father struggled with his relationship with him. What I found so powerful about this film is that the masculine is broken and it knows it. Kevin is aware of his strained relationship with his son, and as much as he desperately wants to fix it, he contemplates whether it might be too late to do so. At a pivotal point in the film, Kevin says to Mary, “I was too late as a son. Now I’m too late as a father.” Mary reassures him, “It’s not too late.”
It’s unspoken in the film, but I couldn’t help drawing my own conclusion that perhaps it’s this same broken masculine that has also caused climate change. And if so, like Kevin and his relationship with his son, what if it isn’t too late to do something about it? We may not have even begun to see the worst of climate change, but what this film has helped me understand is that we’re not too late. If we care for one another, remain steadfast in our commitment to survival, and hold the destructive belief systems in ourselves accountable, we can and will make it through the fire.
Paul Thomas Anderson gives us what I think may be his best – and certainly most timely – film yet: One Battle After Another. This one is full of action, social commentary, and top-notch artistry across the board. I won’t give any spoilers here, but what I will say is that this film hits every mark – acting, directing, cinematography, and writing.
The fictional film follows a group of vigilantes called the French 75, led by Leonardo DiCaprio and Teyana Taylor, who violently agitate an authoritarian regime in the US. Sean Penn is the film’s main antagonist, hell-bent on proving his manliness and fixated on bringing down the rebellious group.
The film is a wild ride that thematically explores the depths of how institutions, individuals, and our culture have been distorted by our collective relationship to destructive masculinity. Every character in this film wrestles with how our society should be reshaped, yet all of them do so through destructive means. This film lives and breathes in the dilemma that currently grips our country – how do we create a new way of relating to one another when the only way we know is to let a destructive masculine energy steer the wheel?
There is very little hope in this film; however, by so clearly portraying the dilemma we are all living in, this film gives me hope that a new way is not only needed but necessary. This film is a reflection of what we’re holding, a warning of what’s to come, and an invitation to look closer at who we are as a society.
LISTEN
“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to the ancestors and spares the children that follow,” Terry Real shares in his conversation on the Modern Love podcast.
Why Boys and Men are Floundering, According to the Therapist Terry Real
Real, a marriage and family therapist, has practiced for more than 42 years. In his work, he goes against traditional patriarchal therapy practices by calling out harmful behavior in men while at the same time offering them helping hand. In this conversation, Real explores the crisis of masculinity while offering insights into the root of the conflict and how we can work to repair it. It’s an honest conversation that left me feeling hopeful and wanting more. He later followed up this episode with a second appearance on the Modern Love podcast, which you can listen to here:
Terry Real’s Advice for Dads: Open Your Heart and Loosen Up
MOVE
I recently stumbled upon a video of an actor, Aaron Taylor Johnson, dancing in a music video for Rhye. I was awe-struck by it. Johnson is a beautiful man – that’s undeniable, but it isn’t what caught my attention. What stopped me from swiping past the video was the way he moved. His dancing is raw, powerful, and seemingly unrehearsed. What I saw when I watched the video was someone deeply listening and responding, moment to moment – not only to the music, but to everything it stirred inside him. For lack of a better word, his movement is awesome. I invite you to check it out for yourself and maybe hop out of your chair and freestyle along with him.
After I saw the video, I was moved to draw a creature inspired by Johnson. The creature is a live wire dancing in the night – it’s vibrant, knows itself, and isn’t afraid to be witnessed in its fullness. If it feels right for you, I invite you to explore this creature and see how it makes you move through the world.
Lastly, if you have been following me, thank you for your patience. I took a short break to tend to the wider field of life. I’m looking forward to sharing more work and more thoughts with you soon.
Be well.
Ryan
Thank you for these fascinating recommendations, Ryan. Boy, that dancer looks as if he doesn't have bones. I wonder how he manages that. He really is mesmerizing.